I Hope the Zombie Apocalypse Happens Before…

It is coming. It is coming and there is nothing we can do to stop it. The impending doom of what has been coined the “zombie apocalypse” is palpable and pop culture has given us countless scenarios to help predict the unexpected. Whether it happens from a virus, a latent gene, or a single bite, we know it will sweep the world faster than the plague and threaten to exterminate mankind forever. It is unknown when this wave of mindless walking corpses will crash through your window, reaching out and snapping at the air like a feral dog from the mere whiff of fresh meat, but we do know that we will fight. We will, for the first time, see every country in the world joining together to fight for the future of all humanity.


Whether you follow a survival guide, start your own militia, or run for the nearest helicopter pad to catch the last ride before the government begins to quarantine and destroy, you’ll be left with the single thought “why did this have to happen now”. I may not be able to believe that this world will survive the zombie apocalypse. I many not be able to say that it will not happen in my lifetime, but if it does…I hope the zombie apocalypse happens before:

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West give birth to second child, South West. Isn’t it enough that every single tabloid and short celebrity segment on the nightly news has the latest gossip on the family that rivals “Speidi” (Spencer and Heidi Montag) in irrelevancy and annoyance. Aside from being filthy rich, the Kardashians are a human assembly line of failed actresses (no, reality television you pay to star in does not count), auto-tuned singers (remember Kim’s “single”?), and fashion police easy targets. No parent in America wants to hear their daughter stand up in class and read their essay on why when they grow up they want to be just like Kim Kardashian. If the zombie apocalypse happens, all televisions will revert to emergency broadcast, so we can at least rest assured knowing the Kardashians won’t know what to do if no one’s watching them.

Ben Affleck Becomes Batman. Although this one goes without saying, I am going to say it anyway – Michael Keaton is the ONLY Batman. Christian Bale changing his voice through what sounds like a forced impression of an anti-smoking commercial delivers a performance that’s more comedic than comic book. Michael Keaton not only paved the way for Batman’s well received popularity  on the big screen, but was a convincing Bruce Wayne as well with tiny quips of sarcasm and romanticism. Nothing against Bale as Batman personally, and I do not discriminate. The performances of Val Kilmer and George Clooney before him were also ill-chosen. Affleck is better behind the lens in a director’s chair and I would have rather seen him play a role in a film adaptation of a video game. When the zombies start to take over this star’s neighborhood, it’s highly unlikely he’ll reach for his “Daredevil” costume before they cover his body with bite marks and reduce him to the walking void he was in “Gigli”.

Another “Fast & the Furious film is released. Yes, the first movie was invigorating and made everyone that came to a full stop at the traffic light think that they too live their life a “quarter mile at a time”. Aside from another film about cars and racing, this series has really taken it to the extreme with plot lines of romance, revenge, and the dangerous fight to prove yourself from behind the wheel. Most people would agree that the first of this saga was undoubtedly the most exciting, with the second being a typical and expected sequel, and the third bringing something new with a change of scenery and a few cameos. With the untimely death of Paul Walker, it is with heavy hearts that they continue this franchise, but should they have stopped sooner? Halting production after the third film would have guaranteed that trying to find a respectful and tactful way to honor Walker in these films would not be necessary. Making driving like a skilled stuntman look easier than it is will only make the deaths of wannabe racers more pathetic when we are all on our own fighting for survival against the undead. No, you can not roll through a wall of zombies with your poorly decaled Honda and your unsuccessful attempts to drift. (Why? Because you’re not Bruce Campbell and this isn’t Tokyo.)

Kristen Stewart gets an Oscar. Just kidding. Moving on…

Comic books are only available in digital form. With the world becoming more and more dependent on streaming and downloading, simple pleasures like walking through Borders to pick up a fresh book, complete with new paper scent, are becoming scarce. Devices and apps that let you read books and comics instantly are growing with popularity and, as most working class citizens appreciate, saves you a trip to the store. There won’t be a need to purchase bookmarks, bags, or boards and your long boxes to hold a collection would be a relic from an older time. For me, I can commend the advancement of technology and rejoice in the fact that comics can reach people that don’t have a comic book store in their immediate vicinity, but I could never vote to live in a society that is so out of touch with what it feels like to sift through comics and hear that tiny victorious voice within you to leap for joy when you find the issue you were looking for. If in the future, Cyberdyne makes a mistake and eradicates all technology beyond repair, how will we remember what’s important to us? As those rotting hellhounds scavenge for live flesh during the apocalypse, technology will fail. I’m going to make sure I have my copies of “The Zombie Survival Guide” and “The Walking Dead” in *insert hiding spot here*. (Come on, I can’t tell everyone where it is.)


In the face of it all, I sincerely hope the zombie apocalypse happens after my lifetime. I wouldn’t stand a chance against them, unless of course Brad Pitt found a cure first. I wish you all the best in finding a good sniping spot to conserve your ammo, and a good team to keep watch. Search for higher ground, and remember don’t ever trust anyone that isn’t Daryl Dixon. Good luck to you all.







About Jennifer

Happily married and living in Wisconsin. It may be as cold as Hoth, but it's beautiful in the Summer.

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