Hilariously Unfortunate Events to Wish Upon Jerks

It’s your boss. It’s your neighbor. It’s your mother-in-law. We all have that one person that no matter how horrible the punishment you wish could be waiting for them in Dante’s third circle of Hell, it still wouldn’t be enough. Sometimes it seems that these people have nothing better to do than to make your life miserable and unnecessarily complicated. If pretending to squish their head from a distance with your thumb and pointer finger is amusing, then keep this list in mind the next time you’re unlucky enough to be in their presence.

What if one day that jerk:

– Opened the closet door and the only thing they could choose to wear is an “I Love Kristen Stewart” pink T-shirt that’s three sizes too small with a Peter Pan barbed wire collar

– Walked out of the house and found out that their door was the same ridiculous door from Beetlejuice, leaving them in the gigantic desert with black and white sandworms that are starving for mean people

– Woke up with Elephantitis of the forehead, so that when they have something incredibly irrelevant and unimportant to say, you at least won’t have to see them give you the stink eye

– Was forced to eat all the candy they popped in Candy Crush for the past year…wrappers and all

– Had to work for 72 hours straight as Chuck E. Cheese in a brand new establishment built in Uganda

– Was buried up to the neck in that itchy multi-colored grass people use in Easter baskets and forced to watch Battlefield Earth in Spanish and Nicki Minaj music videos

– Grew a third leg out of the center of their chest to ensure that they couldn’t invade your personal bubble of happy space

– Suddenly suffered from hylophobia (the fear of wood, forests, and even trees) and everyone was given what some used to call a “whippin stick”

– Could only speak in animal noises

– Swallowed a whoopie cushion so that every time they opened their mouth to talk…well, you get it

– Was arrested for looking like a FBI Most Wanted poster…of someone of the opposite sex

– Ate the gum that turned Violet Beauregard into a very large blueberry in Willy Wonka’s Factory (you also have to imagine the oompa loompa song)

– Woke up super glued to Borat naked

– Had to go to the bathroom and every stall in the entire world had a line longer than black Friday at Walmart

– Was forced to play The Black Eyed Peas Experience on Wii until the year 2024

– Accidentally replaced their Facebook profile pic with an enlarged photo of Danny Devito’s bare ass

– Tried to get out of bed, but couldn’t because their creepy uncle wanted to have a tickle Tuesday…even though it’s Friday

– Drank a cup full of roofies and laxatives so they were too tired to find the bathroom

– Slipped on a banana peel just to fall onto a pile of forks, then tried to get up and stepped on two Legos only so you can run over and poke them in the eye with a Lincoln Log

jennbraemer

About Jennifer

Happily married and living in Wisconsin. It may be as cold as Hoth, but it’s beautiful in the Summer.

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