Sunnydale may have been left as nothing but a crater-sized grave for William the Bloody, but what if the world had been saved without the goddess powers of Willow to bestow the gifts of the slayer to every girl? The world still needs Buffy, as problems continue to arise in the form of evil corporations, brain washing television, and role models of today’s youth that emulate more than one aspect of the demon. In a desperate attempt to become an honorary member of the Scooby Gang, I have done my research and compiled this list to assist the chosen one in ridding society of it’s forces of darkness.
1. Miley Cyrus
At first glance of an elongated pointy tongue I feared that this slender creature was beyond the shadow of a doubt a demon. After careful patrolling of her various social networking mediums and footage of live events, I have retracted my initial reading and have now decided that she absolutely must be a werewolf. In a comparison to Veruca, a smooth singing comfortable-with-total-nudity-in-public werewolf, Miley shares in the celebration of releasing her inner animal and doesn’t care who knows it. Both women also participate in actions that scream rebellion against the human prison that keeps their wolf contained. While Veruca tends to lean on boyfriend stealing and girlfriend slashing, Miley prefers to display her protest through wrecking ball riding and Robin Thicke twerking. Knowing that her presence is expected at many upcoming and televised events, I propose we set a trap that would inspire many selfies, then capture her to hand over to the new Initiative as a hostile sub-terrestrial for testing. To appease the public, we redesign and reprogram Buffy-bot as the new Miley Cyrus, complete with remote controlled tongue and twerking action.
2. Justin Bieber
I’m going to admit it. I have Justin’s music on my playlist. Before you stop reading now and accuse me of being nothing but a “Belieber”, I want you to think of the last time someone garnished the adoration and awe of women (and men) of all ages. It dawned on me, hair in a messy bun doing the laundry and subconsciously bobbing my head to the beat, that this could be no coincidence. I, much like Buffy, stopped and tilted my head in question, wondering how one person could be such an amazing singer, star of The Matrix (without ever leaving town), even creator of the internet and still have time to rid the world of evil. It was that moment that I instantly remembered that Justin Bieber had been seen slipping in and out of tattoo shops that I realized it – he has to get more ink if he’s going to cover up the symbol shared by the demon that must still be on the loose from the augmentation spell. Game plan? We search the web for strange reports to lead us to the demon activity and destroy it as soon as possible…before Bieber destroys more good music.
Suddenly breaking into song and dance during your daily life or Math class might sound like a live homage to classics like Grease, but I assure you, just when you think it’s all fun and dames…someone spontaneously combusts. Scoobies, Glee has been a cover up for this phenomenon, I’m convinced, to ignite a passion for Broadway-style outbursts and make them socially acceptable in an effort to camouflage the actual victims of Sweet’s whimsical, yet deadly, manipulation. We’ve been witness to the government using tactics like this before, with the destruction and burial of the failed project, The Initiative, but if they can’t layer the evidence of Sweet’s presence under cement, they can make what he’s capable of less noticeable by utilizing the media to create Glee. I propose a trade. If we can’t determine who exactly has summoned this Lord of the Dance, then we can offer him a wife for the underworld that will undoubtedly suit him. I do not take this life sentence lightly, but after much deliberation, I have come to the conclusion that this must be someone that could use the eternity in another dimension as well as practice in dance and song. I vote Rebecca Black.
It’s the food that when added, makes everything better. It’s undeniably delicious, but I warn you, Scoobies, this food has had devastating effects on society thus far. Unnoticeable at first, it wasn’t until I saw an ad for a bowl made entirely of slices of bacon followed by a preview for next week’s episode of Teen Moms that I realized – Ethan is at work. Ethan has been known to sell his evil services to the highest bidder, so I knew right away that the only reason why we’d be so addicted to the taste and intoxicating smell of crackling pork belly is the demon Lurconis. After careful examination of the popularity and mention of bacon, I discovered it hadn’t been as widely mentioned for almost thirty years, which as you know, the snake-like Lurconis must receive tribute of seven newborn babies every thirty years. This would also explain the Teen Mom epidemic, as Ethan must have ensured that attaining newborns would be much easier than the last attempt, which failed miserably. I suggest we use Giles’ contacts to locate Ethan and threaten him with bodily harm until he reveals who he’s working for while in the meantime, we call in a fake anonymous report that we shouldn’t eat bacon…because it’s made of people. Hey, it worked for the Doublemeat Palace.
I sincerely hope my research and efforts have proven me a valuable potential member of the Scooby Gang. These demons, werewolves, and evil-for-hires will always be around and may be harder to spot than a vampire, but that’s why the chosen one has a dependable and powerful group to stand beside her. So scoobies, throw me a stake or lend me an ax and let’s avoid the apocalypse together…again.